Surviving domestic violence (and coercive control) is challenging, isolating, demoralizing. In many ways however it is just the beginning. When escaping with children, phase 2 of abuse, post separation begins. The devastating impact on children who suddenly find themselves in shared custody with the perpetrator, alone and parented for the first time by the abuser is undeniably retraumatizing. It catapults children into a world of conflict, confusion and danger. Mothers suddenly find themselves living their worst nightmare (and the very reason they often ‘didn’t leave’), their children will be going back to the abuser alone without the protective parent. For boys this begins the grooming and coercion of the  ‘patriarchy-facilitated’  (Applin, Simpson and Curtis 2022) phase, where the new focus of coercive control is the impressionable and vulnerable young male searching for masculine identity. 

As a mum of a traumatize teen boy whose life, health, education and mental wellbeing   spiraled whilst ‘choosing’ to live with the abuser post separation once he hit the rebellious puberty stage.  My journey is one of self-education digesting Dr. Bessel van der Kolk theory on the profound affect of trauma on teenage boys including disrupting emotional regulation, leading to increased anxiety, depression, and difficulties in relationships, behavioural issues, such as aggression or withdrawal, and coping with their feelings. I read, unpacked, summarised and published Maggie Dents writings on boys risky behaviour, confusion and depression followed by Louise Kaplans assertions that the prologue to male pubescence is a violent turning away from females which post domestic violence can contribute to the teen boys aligning with the perpetrator. And finally my opportunity to gain insights from Professor Michale Salter on the impact of domestic violence on teen boys during the Ideas & Society Program: Domestic Violence: Why? What is to be done?